I don’t just regret wasting my life up until itself in its entirety. I also regret a lot of things involving him. I regret possibly being the reason that things fell apart. I always think back and wonder if I had done this, or if I hadn’t done that, would things be different. Would they be better. Would none of this had happened and would I not be as completely shattered as I am now.
I wonder about small things, like had we gone to see that movie that I wanted to see, would it have made you think something to help? Would it have made us talk? Would things be different had I tried to have that conversation in the first place? If I had asked you if you were really, genuinely, the day I had to leave, would it have been more bearable? Had I gone back when I saw you weren’t there anymore, could I have helped you feel better before leaving? Were there words that you expected me to say that I never did :/
The truth is, You don’t really understand that, you probably think you do, but you don’t. Every single day I go through the process of blame and regret over that week. There is no thought or reasoning that ever makes it hurt less, it’s the same every day. I just think ‘what if’ and it breaks my heart every single time.
You might read this at some point. To you, I just wanted to say I’m sorry that things turned out as miserably as they did. I wished for anything better. I will always carry this regret with me, you know that. I don’t regret going and finding you though. That first hug was amazing… I do like you, I hope you know that.
Yogyakarta, August 2011